


things we lost in the fire

by xigithy



Category: Kingdom Hearts (Video Games)
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Missing Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-15
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:00:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28098072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xigithy/pseuds/xigithy
Summary: Like a phoenix, Axel has risen from the ashes of who he once was to become a Guardian of Light. But... does he deserve it?
Comments: 5
Kudos: 17
Collections: From the Ashes: A LeAxel zine





	things we lost in the fire

_“...You’re off the hook.”_

Vexen’s dying screams wake Lea with a start.

He shoots upright in bed, cold sweat clinging to his body. Lea draws his lanky legs up to his chest as he attempts to suck in deep breath after deep, shuddering breath, and he wraps his arms tightly around his limbs to stop from shivering; it does little to quell the trembling that’s taken over him but, for a moment, he manages to stop the world from spinning. This has been his reality for the weeks since his recompletion; fitful sleep- if he **does** manage to sleep- broken up by dreams, by _memories_ , of a decade of horrors wrought with his own two hands.

The recollections bleed into the peripherals of his consciousness when he’s awake, reminding him throughout each conversation with Riku, Sora, or Kairi of the proverbial (and literal) blood on his hands. And for the most part, Lea’s endless, unyielding bravado can keep the constant reminder of his sins at bay. But at night, when the darkness swallows the light of day and leaves him alone with the ghosts of his own wickedness, the veneer of ‘upbeat comic relief’ cracks, and Lea is overcome by so many emotions that he’s almost certain they’re far too numerous for his heart to hold.

He hates it, he thinks, the whole business of remembering (and yes, he’s well aware of the irony). The surge of emotions, which lay dormant in the hollow, gaping cavern of his chest for ten long years, is too much to bear- and _honestly_? There are still days- when the howling of his demons becomes too heavy a cross to bear- that Lea wonders if this whole thing was even worth it.

Reclaiming his heart was supposed to be the light at the end of the ten-year-long tunnel, the singular thing that would make the waking nightmare of life in the Organization _worth_ it, but- so far all he’s gotten out of the deal is pain.

And what’s worse, on top of it all, they want him to be a Guardian of Light.

 _Him_.

The man who, mere months- _weeks_ \- ago, was killing in the name of the Organization, kidnapping a Princess of Heart, and razing worlds to the ground with the snap of his fingers. Axel: Flurry of Dancing Flames. Axel, the assassin. Lea, the **_traitor_**. And for all the things he was- despite the things he’s done, team goody-two-shoes still thinks he’s meant to be one of the worlds’ last few hopes of keeping Light alive.

It’s a monumental responsibility and, for all his boastful self-confidence around the others, one that Lea very much does not want placed on his shoulders.

This whole arc, it had all been just a means to an end. Betray the Organization, help Sora and the others, and he would see Roxas again. Roxas and… there hadn’t been another, right? No, he reminds himself, it had only been him and Roxas. The days since coming to train with Kairi in the Forest have warped the certainty in the statement- made Lea second guess himself and, with that confusion, often came uncertainty of another kind. What if, a nagging voice hisses to him more often than not, Roxas doesn’t want anything to do with Lea once they’re reunited? They hadn’t parted on the best of terms and- well, he’s convinced the time spent in Sora’s heart has not softened Roxas to the things Lea said to him- to the things Axel did to him.

Lea sighs out a shaky shudder but, as he inhales, the air feels like it’s being sucked in through a straw. He can’t catch his breath, and his breathing begins to come in quick, shallow, _useless_ gasps. Lea digs his nails into his own yielding flesh to ground himself, but still, his strained breathing continues, and dark spots begin to materialize in his field of vision. The room starts to spin, and an icy feeling of unadulterated dread begins to smother him.

Finally, he draws in another deep, shivering breath but, on his exhale, Lea breaks into a sob. He rests his head on his knees and allows the tears to come, lets them wrack his body with each wave of grief-stricken sobs.

Sora, Kairi, the King- they _deserve_ to be here; their hearts remain pure and untainted by Darkness. Riku _deserves_ to be here; he was taken by the darkness- let it into his heart, and still found the strength to reclaim his light, to protect the things that matter most to him in the world. And yet- Lea sees the way Riku struggles with the darkness still ebbing on the shores of his heart. If the kid- who only embraced the Dark for such a short period of time- still struggled to control it, what hope was there for Lea? Lea who lived, breathed, and _loved_ the Darkness for _ten goddamn years_?

He doesn’t deserve this- to be here training to be a wielder. He doesn’t deserve the kindness and forgiveness of those he’s harmed, and yet... he’s been granted the grace to begin again. To start over. But can something pure and right rise from the ashes of darkness? Can fire _cleanse_ as surely as it can _burn_?

Lea’s breathing begins to slow, and the storm of sobs quiets to merely a drizzle. He unfurls a hand from around himself and reaches to wipe the residual tears from his bloodshot eyes. As his fingertips brush the damp skin beneath his eyes, he thinks of the charms Isa had given him when they were still just children, and how Isa was still stuck there, with them.

Isa, Roxas, Ventus… there were so many people that still needed to be brought home. Lea takes one last deep breath before letting his fatigued body uncurl and drop flat back against the mattress. If there’s one thing he’s certain about, it’s that he intends to make good on their faith in him.

He will _**rise**_.

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for the _From the Ashes_ zine! I had a wonderful time writing this, and an even better time reading the other entries. Check out the twitter account to see more of the great art and fic from this project!


End file.
